Sunday, April 24, 2011


There comes a time
when the yellowest part of you
rusts gently at the edges, and you can just feel it happening.
My time came years ago, when Roxy reopened...

You see, Roxy was all the rage, and they never checked I.D.
Gina and I....we had a plan, and there was no way we could be stopped.
Dipped in the yellow of youth, and doused in Exclamation. We just knew we would get in.

Dance moves ready and hair sprayed to oblivion. Shhhhh. "Abuela is doing the rosary,it won't be long now until she is fast asleep." -And out the door we will slip, into the inky black night, and the smoke filled chambers of the nightclub. Chelsea Piers, we are on our way. Gold hoops loop at our necks and eyeliner is our war paint... and we have never felt so grown in our lives.

This is our chance. We are going to take back the night,no pills, no counting, no IV's. No nurses telling us what to do. At Roxy, Gina can blend into the crowd.. She doesn't have to be sick, she doesn't have to be a patient. She can be Queen Gina, goddess of Reggae, Spice Girls afficianado, and Menudo's number one fan.. and I, I can be her sidekick. I don't have to be the one who makes sure she doesn't skip a dose. I don't have to be the one to tell her "No, You can't do that." You're too sick. You're  too delicate.- And so tonight. We are gonna let it all go. Tonight, we are gonna forget the rules and make our own.

But when I get back from the restroom... Gina is crying...because her hair was falling out, and even though I covered it with a headband, she knew it was there. She said the room was tilting, and I said, "No, the world is." and though she still wanted to go to Roxy I said, "No, you can't."

I got into bed with her right then, and she said "Sing to Me?".. "Tupac?" I joked. "No, Landslide" she replied....

A week later she was gone. I looked around the room at all the Lipsmackers and Pogs and wondered, "Why did I have to be the one to say no?" I think back to the time I caught her with a cigarette and snatched it straight out of her hand. "You can't!" I yelled. Her eyes glared at me, "Could you stop yelling? My friends are watching!" she replied as if I was the wrong one and I never understood....

The other day I came across the word "cant" C-A-N-T. Defined as: "The thrust or motion that causes a slant or a tilt" and it hit me... all those times she complained that the room was tilting, it was because she was living in "CANT", and I wish I could take it all back now. I want to tell her that she could have gotten that tattoo, and that she could have gone night swimming, and that she could have stayed out past her curfew... and that I am sorry...but I can't. I want to tell her that she deserves to go to Roxy and that dancing...dancing will help with the nausea, and laughing? laughing will help with the pain. I want her to know that "CANT" was the only way I knew how to protect her, but now, now it all makes sense. The tilts, the slopes, the landslides.... and now, because of her, I live my life on the horizon declining all implications of "CANT". I want to run screaming through the gates of heaven yelling "I can! I can! and you can too!!!" and I would hope that she would hear me. I would hope that she would run to me and say..." Thanks Tiff, for the support and all, but could you stop yelling? my friends are watching".