Tabs

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Tiffany Says:

Dear Tiffany,

I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. However, I have known him for 5, as we went to college together. I would like to get engaged, but every time I bring it up, he changes the subject. I am getting really annoyed. I think that we are both at a good time in our lives to do it, and I don't understand why he won't propose. I know that I am a good girlfriend and that I will be a good wife. What is his deal?
Sincerely,
Tired of Waiting.



Dear Tired,

The first thing I need you to do is ask yourself why you want to be engaged/get married. Why is it important to you? You need to identify why you need this, before you can go about trying to make it happen. The reason being is that many women do not know why they want this in the first place. Sit down and ask yourself why you desire this. What does marriage mean to you? What will benefit from it? I noticed you said, "We are both at a good time in our lives to do it" You have to realize, that getting married is not something that you can put up on a timeline, though many people do just that. What may be a good time for you, may NOT be a good time for him. Likewise, getting married is a beautiful thing, but it is also a lifelong commitment that should not be ventured into lightly. Just because you feel like it's a good time, is not a good reason for getting married.

Other illogical reasons for getting hitched are as follows: You think it will improve your relationship. This is a very bad idea. The relationship should be secure before you enter into marriage. Too many times, young women think that marriage will help their guy "grow up" and it backfires on them. Putting undo pressure on someone to get married is not only unfair, it is unhealthy and the marriage may suffer from it. Getting married because your family wants you to, or because all your friends are is also not good. Do not let other people rush you in life. It is your life, and you are going to be the one who has to live it.

Once you have sat down and evaluated why you want this, it is time to have a talk with your significant other. Tell him exactly why you want this. Maybe you want to start a family, maybe you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and this ceremony will symbolize that.
Make sure to talk it out calmly. If you are expressing your love, your tone should be loving. Avoid arguing, accusations, or any high pressure/ triggering words. Tell them exactly what you want and why. Important* Ask them what they want as well. You may just find out, that they may not want the same things as you, or may not want them when you do. Remember, there are two people in this relationship. Tell him/her why you are ready NOW. You two may have to come to a decision on when is a good time for you both to take that step. Keep in mind, that you may realize that he may NOT want marriage at at all.

Remember, no matter how much you love someone, if they are not headed in the same general direction you are...it may be best to move on. Never deal with someone who is not open to hearing your feelings, or criticizes you for feeling them. Your feelings are very valid. If you are dealing with someone who is unwilling to compromise or listen to you, this is not the person for you. These conversations should be healthy ones, which help the both of you get on the same page, and nurture your future together. Being criticized for expressing your desires, is wrong. You are worth more than that, and you are worth being heard.

Lastly, I want to say: Marriage can be a beautiful thing, and a wonderful step in your life, but it doesn't always equal happiness. If you are happy right now, the way things are... cherish it and enjoy it because in the end, it is about your BOND with your partner, and not about a piece of paper.